A Relationship Begging For A Way Out

At what point is it time to bail out of a relationship?

We often hear of relationships which start out bad but straighten out in the end. We even hear of relationships which start out good but then turn sour. But when a relationship starts off with all the romantic overtones of a documentary on the Asian flu, develops with the smoothness of an intoxicated chimpanzee doing a waltz on roller skates, then blossoms with the colorful brilliance of a malnourished vegetable, you know something's wrong. Such was my nine-month relationship with Sally. (Sally was not her real name. But that didn't come as a terrible shock, since her age and hair color weren't real either.)

That we were headed for rough times, was somewhat obvious on our first date. We had just seen a Broadway musical. Walking towards the car, I tried starting a conversation somewhere along the lines of "music," "dance," "scenery." How I failed so miserably I'll never know. Instead, she asked me if I could do her a favor and take her dog to the veterinarian the next day. I said, "But we hardly know each other."

She said, "So? Does my dog have to suffer because we hardly know each other?"

As we drove to a restaurant, I sensed her attitude turning somewhat hostile. I started feeling guilty about not agreeing to take her dog to the vet. Her dog, I said to myself, probably had two broken hind legs, and Sally probably had to visit a sick aunt in the hospital. How could I be so inconsiderate? But when I found out her dog was going in for his annual chest X-ray, and she had an appointment with her hair dresser, it made me furious. Was her hair more important than her dog's health? And I couldn't help wondering how, many packs a day did her dog smoke?

This is when it occurred to me that this date was not on the right track. Here we were between a play and a restaurant, and she was hostile and I was furious. I had a more cordial relationship with my parole officer.

I thought, maybe we ought to go back to her house, start the date over, and see if we can get it right. Then I realized what an unrealistic thought that was. What if her parents moved out while we were out on our date? She could become my responsibility. At least in the restaurant there was a chance she might fall in love with the waiter and I'll go home alone.

We headed straight for the restaurant.

I had a feeling the hostility did not end in the car. As we looked over the menu, she suggested I order large portions for myself. I asked, "Do I look that hungry?"

She said, "No, you look lean and undernourished."

I asked, "Why do you say that?"

She said, "Your toupee is loose."

"I don't wear a toupee. My hair is just a little messed up from keeping the car window open."

"Well, my ex-husband wore a toupee and he looked just like that."

"Like what? Lean?"

"No, messed up."

"Where did he buy his toupee?" I asked. "In Mop-City?"

She replied, "Who cuts your hair? Jack the Ripper?"

And so, the mood was set for a romantic dinner. I ordered lamb chops, she ordered well-done steak. When we got our orders, she insisted her steak was not well-done and had the waiter take it back. While we waited for her steak, we tried discussing a topic which could not possibly lead to any kind of dispute or resentment -- we remained silent.

A couple sitting at the next table looked at us, obviously amused. I said to them, "Would you believe this is our first date?"

As they both laughed, the guy asked, "What would you two do if you were married?"

I replied, "We'd probably shoot Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles at each other."

When Sally's steak arrived, I was a little embarrassed when she insisted her steak was still not well-done enough. The waiter looked quite irritated. In an attempt to avoid a scene, I whispered, "Sally, please, don't give the waiter a hard time."

She said, "Don't worry about it. I can handle him."

I said, "Don't be silly, he has a day job as a demolition expert for the Parking Violations Bureau. Your car'll never be safe in this town."

"I don't care if he's a Swat Team coordinator for the B'nai Brith," she replied angrily. "That steak is not well-done and I want him to take it back." Sally and the waiter looked at each other like two disgruntled hockey players about to strike each other with a puck. It was not a pretty sight. At that moment, it became painfully clear to me that my chances of going home alone that evening were unfortuntely rather slim.

As the waiter grudgingly took back Sally's steak once more, I knew I must be strong enough not to let little setbacks turn into major obstacles. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. We were still on good terms with the busboy.

In a short few minutes our waiter returned from the kitchen, carrying a tray with two plates. One plate contained a small stack of ashes, the other plate contained a steak and a blow torch. He leaned over and said to Sally with a smirk, "Which one would you like? This one," pointing to the plate with ashes, "is already well-done, and this one," pointing to the other plate, "you have to well-do yourself."

In disgust, Sally turned to me, "Do you believe this?"

I said, "Take the ashes -- the blow torch is extra."

Our meal up until this point raised some serious questions in my mind: If a date ends between the main course and dessert, does the guy have to pay the entire check? If he does, does this restaurant have a back exit?

When I finally did pay the check at the end of the meal, I got this strange feeling that the owner wanted us as far away from his restaurant as possible -- I got my change in Mexican currency.

Believe it or not, this date had a happy ending. I finally took Sally home -- and her parents were there! I was never so happy to see a girl's parents wait up for her. And I didn't even mind hearing her father, who was apparently used to her coming home earlier, say, "You should've been home an hour ago."

I was tempted to add, We should've been home four hours ago.

Strangely, I called her again only a week later. Despite all the things our first date left to be desired, one thing it was not -- dull. And that ain't small potatoes.

Three months later, we were still trying to get that first date right. Depending on how you look at it, things got a lot worse or very exciting. Agreeing on what to do on a night out always turned into something between a legal litigation and the Jerry Spriger Show.

On one particular rainy Saturday night I decided, rather than make the first suggestion as to where we should go, and start an argument, I'd leave everything up to Sally. The moment I stepped into her house, I said, "Tonight we go anywhere you want to go."

She asked, "Anywhere?"

I said, "Anywhere."

She shocked me with, "I want to go wherever you want to go."

I said, "Look, if you're not feeling well we can stay home and watch TV."

"No, I'm feeling okay. Anywhere you want to go is fine."

"Okay, let's go bowling."

She gave me a funny look, "Bowling?"

"Yes, tonight's a good night for bowling."

"You're in a mood to go bowling?"

"I thought you want to go wherever I want to go."

"I do. I just want to make sure that that's where you want to go?"

"Yes," I replied, "that's where I want to go."

"On a night like this?!" she screamed. "It's raining and disgusting out there!"

"Bowling is indoors!"

After several moments of silence, she said, "Why don't we go to a movie?"

Sarcastically, I said, "We can't go to a movie. My dentist says I shouldn't eat popcorn."

"Who says you have to eat popcorn? Why don't you suck a toasted marshmallow?"

By the time we finally left her house, half the night was gone and we were no closer to a decision as to where to go. The only reason we left was because we couldn't even agree on which room to argue in.

Driving while engaged in a heated debate and having no idea where you're going is next to impossible. You begin seeing every corner as a logistical dilemma. Do you turn left, right, or go straight ahead? It doesn't really matter. But it could if you eventually decide where to go. Do you jump yellow lights? You don't even know if you're in a rush.

We finally reached a big intersection. No matter which way you looked there were about six choices -- main roads, divided roads, service roads, dirt roads, etc. It drove me crazy. I pulled the car over and, in a rather loud tone, said, "That's it! I've had it! We can't go on like this! We make one wrong turn here and we wind up in Yukon. You know what's in Yukon? Nothing! No movies, no bowling, no restaurants, absolutely nothing -- just more roads! You want to wind up in Yukon?!"

A little shook up, she took a deep breath and said, "Hey, calm down. What are you getting so excited about?"

I said, "We have to make a decision now, before we enter that intersection."

She said, "I already said I wanted to see a movie."

"We can't see a movie anymore -- it's too late. No movies start at one-thirty in the morning."

"Okay, then let's go bowling."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "Let's not rush into things. There are still plenty of options open. We can go to the park and watch the dew settle on the leaves. We can take the Times Square Shuttle back and forth sixty-eight times and pretend we went cross-country. We can even go upstate to a farm and watch the hens crow at the full moon."

She said, "Hens don't crow."

I said, "After listening to us for a few minutes there's no telling what they'll do."

"And there's no full moon out."

"By the time we make a decision there will be!"

Some friends of mine were getting together in a nearby bowling alley that night. We headed in that direction. We arrived only to find out that my friends had already left and the entire bowling alley had been taken over by a group of Japanese tourists having a tournament. We were informed that the only way we could play is if we joined one of their teams.

Ever get the feeling "this is your last chance?" Well, I had a terrible feeling that this tournament was the last thing going on in the entire city that night. I decided we're not taking any chances -- we played.

The only one on our team who spoke english was the captain. And he had laryngitis. This was the first time in my life I bowled and played "charade" at the same time.

Although they were all a bunch of nice people, the disappointment of expecting to spend an evening with old friends in a local bowling alley and winding up in Japan, took its toll. My bowling was not quite up to par. In the first game, while Sally got five strikes, I got eleven gutter balls. Sally asked, "Didn't you once tell me you were a good bowler?"

I said, "'Good' is relative. The people I normally bowl with get quite a bit of gutter balls -- in other people's lanes!" She didn't buy my definition of 'good.' So I tried convincing her that in Japan gutter balls are worth more points than strikes. She didn't buy that either. I felt crushed.

As the night wore on, I racked up so many gutter balls, I was sure the bowling alley was on a slant. But I said nothing. I knew the guy who built the place and I didn't want to get him into trouble.

As I drove sally home, I couldn't help thinking how the prospects of my becoming a professional athlete in Japan got shot right out of the water tonight. But I didn't let it bother me. In Brooklyn, Pac Man still carried some weight.

By the time I walked Sally to her front door, I had almost forgotten that the night started in anger and hostility. It's amazing what frustration can do to you.

As she searched through her pocketbook for her keys, she looked up and said, "You know, I had a rotten time tonight."

I said, "Thank you. So did I."

She said, "I don't think I want to see you again."

"I wasn't about to ask." I turned and walked towards my car. As I opened the car door, I looked back "What time you want me to pick you up tomorrow night?"

She said, "Eight o'clock." We tried not to smile. I got in my car and drove off.

And this is how the relationship lasted nine months. Such relationships get too involved to end quickly. And they're far too strife-ridden to last forever.

by Josh Greenbergerfrom shopndrop.com

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Best Places to See a Show in Las Vegas

Think of Las Vegas and you think of music, right? Elvis, Wayne Newton, Tom Jones. But where do you go when you want to see concerts by bands and artists who?ve hit the charts within the last twenty years?

The best place to see concerts in Vegas is without a doubt at the MGM Grand Garden arena, though the House of Blues at Mandalay Bay is a very close second. In fact, the House of Blues has a vociferous fan base that swears it?s much better than the Grand. The House of Blues features attractions that just aren?t going to make it to the Grand, at least not yet. MGM gets the big names like U2 and the Eagles, while the House of Blues gets the really interesting bands like the Dropkick Murphys. Either way, both venues have played a role in making Vegas a top destination for currently popular acts.

There?s only one thing in Las Vegas that?s louder than a rock concert and you really don?t even have to move your head as much. Some might consider it a strange relationship to marry Vegas and Nascar, but then who ever thought Vegas and punk rock would get married? The Las Vegas 400 has quickly settled in as one of the city?s top local sports events. Of course, it?s not called the Las Vegas 400 anymore, but why give a certain car company free advertising when you don?t have to. If watching cars go in a circle for three hours isn?t your idea of fun, then you can always check out the National Finals Rodeo. This 10-day event features all those things that make rodeos what they are: roping, broncin??and clowns slipping on cowpies. Who wouldn?t prefer that to Nascar? Then again, Nascar features car wrecks at 150 mph.

Oddly enough, Las Vegas has no major professional sports team. Perhaps the Saints will eventually make the move if certain congressmen have their way and New Orleans isn?t rebuilt. Until then, Las Vegas is the name and hockey is the game. Whaaaattt? Las Vegas has a hockey team? Yes. But that?s not the really weird part. Las Vegas has a hockey team, the Wranglers, who play in?get this?the East Coast Hockey League. They?re not bad, either, making it into the playoffs in their first year in town.

But let?s face it, we all know that when it comes to sports in Las Vegas, there was, is and always will be just one show in town. The Running Rebels of UNLV. Sure, they haven?t been a bona fide contender since they had to start playing by the same rules as their opponents, but memories of past NCAA Tournament glory keep bringing the fans back.

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When Was the Last Time We Bought a Special Gift for Our Mothers?

Yes, like I said, when was the last time we bought something creative, unique and totally special for our mothers to show them that we love and remember them? When was the last time we got them a special gift to tell them that their sacrifice for us is appreciated? Motherhood is an extremely special experience and it?s an experience that no man will ever be able to experience. Regardless of how we were raised and how our mothers nagged us when we were younger, the sacrifice cannot compare to any other types of sacrifices we?ve made in our lives ??rivaled only by OUR sacrifice for our children. Only when we become mothers ourselves will we be able to understand the true magnitude of motherhood.

A special gift says a lot
Forget about the conventional, off-the-shelves books, picture frames, calendars, organizers, flowers, vases and what-have-you-nots. Your mom won?t say they?re not special and will take the gift with a smile and a big thank you (and a hug) but they?re not really the kind of special gift that they, your mothers, will thank you, remember and cherish for a long time to come.

The pure convenience of the purchase speaks for itself. It?s nothing special.

So, what?s a special and unique gift?
A truly special gift is something that your mother will look back 5 or maybe 10 years down the road and smile to herself, her heart with burst and her face will beam with pride. The sacrifice, the love and the commitment was worth it, she?d think to herself. As she watches you ?mother??around your own children, she will think it was all worth it because she did the right thing.

A special gift should be something that reminds her of you, of motherhood.

Some ideas of a special gift you can get for your mom
??A motherhood-related product ??this could be something related to motherhood, with a simple but meaningful quote to remind her of her motherhood years.
??Something you?ve designed or created
??A custom-made special gift designed especially for her
??Something you and your own children have come up with over the weekend or something you?ve worked on for a long time, like a scrapbook or a decorative doll
??A poem you?ve written
??A special home-made CD (maybe a special CD) of a vacation with you and your family in it

To find the right special gift for your mother, start with your mother?s personality. What does she like? What kind of memories does she have of raising her children? What are her hobbies and interests?

And once you?ve put your finger on what interests her, finding the right kind of special gift for you should be easy enough.

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When Winning Is the Only Thing That Matters

While I?m happy with the Vikings current winning streak and their improved play, I will reserve judgment and praise of their recent performance until after this week?s game with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Pittsburgh is a good team with an 8-5 record. They will provide the toughest competition that the Vikings have faced in the past six weeks.

We will finally see if the Vikings are a legitimate playoff contender.

Now I want to return to an old story called Cruisegate where alleged Vikings players took part in a sex party with prostitutes on board a Minnesota cruise.

It seems as if winning is the only thing that matters to Minnesota?s media, fans and Vikings ownership.

Now that the Vikings are winning, the media seems to have shelved this story. The media was convinced that some Vikings players exhibited horrible, immoral and even illegal behavior.

To date media and law enforcement officials have not exonerated Vikings players who allegedly took part in Cruisegate. In fact at least one law enforcement agency has turned the case over to prosecutors to be reviewed.

We?re now waiting to see what the FBI and Hennepin County Sheriff?s Office does with the case.

Can we assume that the media only reports wrongful and illegal behavior of professional athletes when sports teams in their city are losing? Does the media only care about winning?

I?m not sure of the answers to those questions but it does look like it.

The fans are also to blame for the story being shelved. When the Vikings were losing, fans were outraged by the Vikings alleged actions in Cruisegate. The fans were demanding that law enforcement and team officials take action.

Now that the Vikings are winning they don?t seem to care about Cruisegate anymore. They only seem to care that their team is winning.

The ownership of the Vikings also seems to have turned a blind eye to the whole affair. Shortly after the story about Crusiegate was made public, Vikings owner Zygi Wilf held a press conference. He promised the community of the Twin Cities that his team would deal with the players involved and that they would be disciplined.

He wasn?t even denying the alleged actions of his players. Now that his team is winning, he seems to have forgotten his promise to the people of Minnesota.

The actions of the media, Vikings fans and Vikings ownership are terrible. I believe that they only care about winning football games. Doing the right thing, being a good and productive citizen and following the law seems to mean nothing to the media, fans and ownership.

As long as the Vikings are winning, it seems as if it?s ok for Vikings players to do what they want. They are free to urinate on someone?s lawn and then allegedly take part in a sex party with prostitutes. I guess it?s a win win situation for the devil, isn?t it.

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English Soccer - England's Football League Division One Review

It would appear that Swindon Town have been keeping an eye on Football England recently, at least that's what I'm claiming anyway. Since I tipped them as most likely to stay up in the now ferocious relegation battle, they haven't put a foot wrong.

This was confirmed by another good win at home to Doncaster Rovers on Saturday.

The 2-1 victory, gives them three on the bounce on the row, and confidence seems to have been restored. Any struggling teams yet to visit the County Ground - beware.

Manager Iffy Onoura was well pleased with the latest result, and also seems optimistic of survival. Perhaps he's also in a good mood because the proposed television project featuring Big Ron has been booted into row z, early doors.

At the top, Southend reconfirmed their promotion credentials with a fine 2-0 away defeat of Yeovil, which keeps them top. Shaun Goater scored the second, and his goals could be vital in the remainder of the season.

Brentford too perhaps have been reading this column. Last week I voiced a concern that letting DJ Campbell disappear to Birmingham for a pittance could harm their promotion aspirations. Seems I'm wrong.

The Bees absolutely paggered Walsall 5-0, proving that they can score without the DJ (League one player of the month for Jan), and heaping misery on a forlorn Paul Merson. Brentford still look nicely poised, sitting 5th with games in hand. Walsall look to be in terminal decline, and Merson has hinted that he will quit if results don't improve.

Colchester continue to make us marvel at their impressive record this term. A comfortable 3-1 home win over Bradford City, after going 1-0 down racks up a club record of nine consecutive wins, and perhaps more impressively winning 19 out of 21.

Bradford went ahead through stocky veteran Dean Windass just before half time - the chunky striker is still a force to be reckoned with at this level. The game, now a tough test, was turned by the inspirational Richard Garcia who headed home twice early in the secone half. Garcia has now notched 6 in his last 4 games. A confident display was rounded off by Chris Iwelumo, also heading in just after the hour.

Colchester must now believe they can go up without the lottery of the play offs - they sit second, 1 point behind Southend, with a game in hand.

Also at the top, Barnsley have slipped in unnoticed in recent weeks, while others have floundered. A 2-0 victory over Bristol City at home this weekend lifts them into fourth spot. Much of this recent form can be attributed to striker Marc Richards, who bagged both goals, bringing his tally to 10 in the last 15 outings. His first was an exquisite finish after lobbing a defender on his approach.

Back at the bottom, a predictable dour affair between Rotherham & Hartlepool ended 0-0. Both these sides are in deep trouble and must turn the corner soon or bye bye. Hartlepool were under the instruction of Youth team coach Paul Stephenson for the first time after the much publicised turmoil at the club. Hopefully he can get them on track.

MK Dons look to be adrift without a paddle after going down 2-0 to Scunthorpe. Scunny will be glad of the points to keep them above water, thanks again to their prolific goal getter Billy Sharp. Another brace for Sharp put the game away after just 10 minutes.

As for the Dons - it looks like they are going. Will anybody miss them?

Blackpool continue to show great determination at home, and look to have what it takes to stay up. The Seasiders were very unlucky to take only the 1 point from their home meeting with Notts Forest.

A creditable 8,399 turned out for this 2-2 draw in which Blackpool were always in control, until the last minute equaliser by Forest's Julian Bennett.

Oldham Athletic tripped themselves up by going down 1-0 in an eminently winnable game at home to Port Vale. This leaves the Latics adrift by 7 points from the play off spots. Manager Ronnie Moore knows he has to improve quickly.

Finally, Chesterfield kept up their unbeaten run and their play off hopes with a late home equaliser against Gillingham. Chesterfiald lie in 7th, with the Gills out of trouble, for the moment.

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Do You Want A Sexy Perky Butt?

How to build sexy perky butts and buns?

Do you know that whether you are a guy or a gal, one of your anatomies that are constantly being scrutinized is your butt? Many do say that a perky butt is one of the most attractive part of a human body. And don't you think it is? Certainly so!

Take a look at your own buns right now. Is it tight perky and strong or is it saggy and lumpy? Worse, is it without any tone and just hangs there like a piece of flesh just out from the butcher store? If you really want a tight and sexy butt that make heads turn when you are in a pair of tight jeans or in your bikini, read on.

Your butt consist of three muscles, the gluteus maximus, gluteus medius and gluteus minimus. The gluteus medius and gluteus minimus are the muscles on the sides of the hip that are used for the internal rotation of the thigh. The gluteus maximus is the largest of the three muscles and is used for hip extension, outward rotation, leg adduction and leg abduction. These muscles are collectively called the "Glutes".

Strong glutes helps us in our daily activities like climbing stairs or squating to pick sonething besides looking good and sexy. These muscles are essential in sports activities. Strong glutes will power your participation in any sport, like cycling and especially in jumping sports such as football, volleyball, soccer, basketball and net ball.

If your glute is hanging and lump then there is a layer of fats covering the muscles. If that is the case, its simple. Just lose the fats by a combination of cardio, weight resistance exercises and a clorie restriction diet.

To have great looking strong glutes, weight resistant exercises must be included in your workout routines. For some people, exercises such as running up slopes, stair-master or step climbing will have good effect in shaping the buns. But to have that perky sexy butt, you will have to incorporate Squats, Dead lifts and Lunges which are fantastic butt shapers. All these exercises are described and picture illustrated in my ebooks "Burn Fat Build Muscles Fast".

So in a nutshell, you need to lose fats and build a well muscled glute in order to own a sexy perky butt that make heads turn and eyes glued to your bottom posterity. That isn't difficult. All you need is some commitment and determination on your part and you are already half way there.

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